& the tin bucket analogy
"Broken trust in marriage is like pouring water into a tin bucket full of holes allowing the water to consistently drain. If the holes are sealed and patched, the sturdiness of the bucket will be restored ultimately, allowing the water to fill the bucket to the desired level. Beware of spearing new holes into your bucket or else the water will once again leak through."
The bucket = marriage
Each hole = a situation causing trust to be broken
Water = trust
Sealant = forgiveness
My therapist walked me through this analogy during a session where I opened up about vulnerability in the bedroom after repetitive episodes of broken trust. The bottom of our bucket was punctured with trust issue after trust issue well into our marriage, as I explained to her the intensity of each situation. At the time, not even a drop of water would remain in the bucket, the bottom completely ripped off. (yes, my fear described in last week's post came true)
I was anticipating her complete validation of my emotions but instead, she continued to explain the analogy, briefly side stepping my big opinions. Until we saw our bucket as a partnership, each working to restore its integrity,the bottom of the bucket would never function properly. We both held a responsibility to restore the trust lost in our relationship, prior to marriage and within.
I dug my heels in. Absolutely not! I do NOT have to take that answer. "Excuse me... this is his fault. He put us in this situation. He has to fix it on his own. I do not have to do anything but demand his trust back so that we are able to have sex again," I proclaimed loudly in my head.
My thought process was about 20% right and 80% wrong.
In our experience, Joshua's task hinged on physical action, whether or not holes continued to be punctured in the bottom of our bucket and my task relied on how willing I was to seal them. It was fully acceptable and just for me to require tangible evidence from Joshua to help restore trust and to require time for processing emotions but it was not acceptable for me to place the full burden of bucket restoration on him. He would never know the right concoction of the sealant needed to patch the holes. Joshua cannot forgive my own bitterness of his actions on my behalf.
He needs to trust that I will forgive and I need to forgive in order to trust. You see, he cannot do both and it's what I expected from him until my therapist brought me back to reality.
For a period of time before this session, I used built up bitterness to wage war against Joshua. I justified my critical behavior and distasteful tongue as a result of what he had done. At first, I saw his behavior as completely immature; I often told him he didn't understand the concept of love and that he didn't deserve sex, whether it was painful for me or not, because of the wounds he caused. I couldn't look at him without feeling pain emotionally therefore, my body tensed at the thought of giving him something physically. He didn't deserve it so he didn't get it...for weeks. My lack of forgiveness hindered our ability to emotionally and physically connect.
In time and in therapy, in prayer and confiding in others, I realized that my personality played a role in the mistrust. I'm certainly not condoning his behavior because of my personality traits, rather I am saying that I should have been mindful of my conduct within our relationship and how it effected him. You see when an Enneagram 9 is in a relationship with a strong 3 (still learning our types BTW) one's over zealous confidence becomes intimidating to one's lower self esteem tendencies. God love him, my husband's mindset to people please, fear of disappointment, bury his regrets as if they would magically go away, non confrontational, strive for Lorraine's approval/happiness, caused him to break trust in the first place. He knew he messed up; he couldn't tell me or any one for that matter out of fear of disappointment; he expected me to blow up, which ultimately I did, and he certainly didn't want to face the confrontation. Therefore, he thought he would make it go away on his own or suppress it, until this 3 caught him in the act or he could no longer hide it. When I validated his fears, of course he broke trust again because he didn't want to face another round of verbal and emotional brutality. It was a viscous cycle.
Until we realized we each played a role in our martial trust, we prolonged healing and our bucket remained ineffective. Honestly readers, I have not completely battled and won the war on bitterness. I still lash out, I sometimes bring up the past as weapon on my belt and I can still face fear in the bedroom. I'm not as vulnerable as I desire to be and place blame for the reluctance. I have not 100% forgiven Joshua and we've communicated such. Perhaps you look down on me for that, as Joshua has not punctured holes in our bucket in years. All I can say is that I'm trying. I'm striving to view Joshua's faithfulness to remain in our marriage, regardless of the mishaps and slip ups, as something more powerful than holding onto the past. Restoring the bucket is a patient process but an active recovery. It's constantly communicating, mindfulness and healthy sacrifice. It's trusting in God's divinity rather than selfish motives and that.is.hard.
My Top Five Accounts on Instagram:
Phylicia Masonheimer ... also follow her podcast, "Verity"
Thegirlnamedblake.... also follow her podcast,"The Crappy Christian"
Gather.Vintage (okay, I'm bias here....this is my Momma and I's business)
FaithFarmingandFamily
Lindsey.Maestas
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